Spillin’ My Heart

Two years ago today I was sitting in my office at work,unable to focus, the computer screen was blurry, my body was shaking terribly and I turned to my supervisor whom I shared an office with and stated that “I did not feel good, not good at all.”

I was able to call my doctor and labs were ordered. I remember walking down the hall between the cubicles, barely able to walk due to weakness, I stopped and talked for a brief second to my sweet coworker Sharon, telling her I wasn’t okay. That moment is engrained into my heart and Sharon and I have talked about that moment a few times.

There was a “see you tomorrow” from the front desk gal. I quietly whispered “I’m not sure about that” and met my husband downstairs to go to the clinic.

Labs were completed, we arrived back home and within minutes of being home, ready to call it a night both of our phones rang and I was asked to go to the ER, immediately. I asked if this was something that could wait until morning because I was so incredibly tired. There was a resounding NO, go now and do not make any stops and that is when it alllll began.

Fast forward to 2021 - I’m post transplant, doing reasonably well with minor blips in the road but over all, my physical health is great, labs look fantastic, no signs of rejection, however - being diagnosed with liver failure just as Covid hit was impactful on my mental health. As many, my world changed almost immediately.

While I was medically/physically recovering quite well, I was sinking deeper into an emotional whirlwind tunnel. My trauma from issues surrounding transplant, compounded with isolation, fears of becoming sick and dying, the worries about life beyond my doors, anxiety and all that comes with that, I knew I needed to seek help and with the encouragement of my bestie and hubby, that’s exactly what I did.

My primary care doctor along with my transplant team intervened and connected me with a therapist who has guided me through this curvy path of mental health concerns. I went from a social butterfly who barely was quiet to a reserved, fearful individual and that has been a challenge to overcome, I’m working incredibly hard on it - it’s not easy but I’m a baddie, so I continue to give it my all.

I’ve learned a tremendous amount of skills to process and work through the challenges, I’ve learned to be transparent about how I’m feeling and have been given the guidance to rationalize AND recognize my fears. I speak out and share it with family and friends, I do not hold it in. (Bless y’all’s hearts)

For personal reasons, I was afraid to admit that I couldn’t heal this part of my journey on my own, I wanted to project that I was fearless and everything was a-okay when in reality, this time in my life was/is one of the most challenging battle that I have endured.

A valuable lesson learned is that if it costs you your peace it’s too expensive. Healing is a priority. Finding the positive is a priority, making personal and family goals is important. Change is a GREAT part of life and you can expect to see that in my life in 2022.

Happy 2022!